A growing health issue in the South Asian community.
By Eva A. Mendes
Asperger’s Syndrome, a mild form of Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), is a growing issue in the South-Asian community.
The CDC figures currently report that 1 in 68 children are now diagnosed with ASD. It may be considered, that the same figure now applies to adults as well, although a vast majority of them currently remain undiagnosed. Adults are harder to identify because they are typically very high-functioning and generally thrive in the fields of IT, engineering, technology, medicine, and science. As South-Asians generally dominate in these fields, it could be assumed that a significant percentage our community are affected by this condition.
In my own practice as a couples counselor and psychotherapist in the Boston area, I see an increasing number of individuals and couples from the South-Asian community who come in seeking counseling because they suspect that their husband or wife might have ASD. Many times, an ASD diagnosis of a child is what leads the parent to suspect that they or their spouse might also have traits or a case of ASD. However, while ASD is more easily
identifiable in children, especially boys, it is much harder to identify in adults.
What are some features or traits that an adult with ASD might exhibit?
● he might be a highly successful software engineer
● he often has a few graduate degrees or even a PhD
● he might be a bit of a loner and may struggle to keep friends
● he prides himself in being highly rational and logical
● argumentative and blunt, he might come across as rude
● he might never express his feelings, not even occasionally
● when his wife is sad or even crying, he might not notice or even react
● loud noises might bother him
● he might have trouble with his bosses at work, and be passed on for promotions
● little things might make him extremely angry
● he might have black and white thinking and be very rigid
● he may be either be a neatnik or extremely messy
● his social skills are weak, he may either talk too much or too little
● his Emotional Intelligence Quotient or EQ is very weak
Even though, I’ve used the ‘he’ pronoun above, a lot of women also have ASD. These are some ways in which a husband might experience his wife’s ASD:
● He is often at his wit’s ends at trying to please her, to no avail
● Her needs may seem never-ending and impossible to meet
● She might try and alienate her in-laws and her husband’s friends
● She may be very jealous and possessive of her husband’s time
● Little things and changes in plans might bother her to an extreme degree
● She may seem extremely type-A and highly anxious
● Her husband can experience her as being very controlling
● She may be very critical and hard to please
● She might be very intelligent, but also seem very irrational at times
● She might get angry and stay that way for days
● She may seem emotionally cold and cut off
While the traits mentioned above aren’t necessarily gender-specific, men and women can appear to be slightly different. And diagnosing whether your spouse has ASD or not is a difficult and complex task that only an ASD-Specialist can perform.
ASD is not a psychological disorder, but a neurological difference and a developmental delay. It is hereditary in nature and traits or full-blown ASD can run in families. Often these families are highly-successful and prominent. Adults with ASD can also be highly desirable as mates. They are often physically attractive, quiet and can be very innocent and sincere. They can be physicians, engineers, IT professionals, and might be high-income earners. Given that a lot of Indians still opt for arranged marriages or meet via the Internet or have long-distance relationships, the challenges and traits of the person with ASD might at first go unnoticed. Many times, it is only after marriage that the true nature of the individual’s traits become apparent.
The motivation to make the marriage work, especially if there are children involved, is always high. With a spouse with ASD, the wife or husband may suffer from severe depression and even feel suicidal because they feel helpless to change the situation. With so much pain and disconnection, often the wife or the husband may even cheat and have an affair or take to excessive drinking or work long hours to escape their spouse.
Due to the conservative nature of the South-Asian culture, these stories often go unreported and are brushed under the rug until the situation becomes intolerable. Even so, these couples are often hesitant to seek counseling. When they do, they might not feel understood by American counselors who might not get or be sensitive to the cultural context and background of the couple.
In my own experience, I find that desi couples wait too long to enter into counseling, individual or couples, and by the time, they arrive at my office, their marriage is hanging by a thread. The sooner a couple struggling in their marriage seeks counseling, the better the prognosis of their marriage will be. In counseling, I help the couple identify the ASD traits and we then come up with strategies and solutions to get the spouses to understand each other and change their negative behaviors. Most of the couples I see are able to compromise, grow and adapt to making positive changes for the sake of their spouse and marriage.
(Eva Mendes, LMHC, NCC is the author of the book, Marriage and Lasting Relationships with Asperger’s Syndrome now available on Amazon. She is a couple’s counselor and psychotherapist working with couples where one or both partners have Asperger Syndrome, and are on the Autism Spectrum (diagnosed or undiagnosed). Eva also works with individuals suffering from depression, anxiety and ADHD. Originally from Mumbai, India, Eva works with individuals and couples from a wide variety of cultural and ethnic backgrounds. She has a private practice in Boston, MA. Eva is available to work remotely via Skype and sees clients based in India, UK, Australia, Canada and all over the U.S. Her website is www.evmendes.com Email: contact@evmendes.com
Tel: 617-669-3040).