A matrix-like simulation, bride and groom meeting at the altar on their own horses, mandatory dancing by the guests

Ruminations after attending a wedding in the Tristate area.

By Malini Sekhar

WASHINGTON, DC: I was blessed to attend a spectacular desi wedding a few weekends ago in the NY/NJ area.  It was replete with gorgeous outfits, bling, Bollywood flair, the essential ingredients of love and laughter, and a horse…of course.

Yet, as the festivities drew to a close, I couldn’t help but think – whoa, that’s a lot of pressure Lucy!  Do we expect/hope our marriages will play out like the often-trippy weddings we throw? Is this why Bollywood movies are basically over after the wedding scene?

Having experienced this “life event,” and therefore a self-proclaimed expert, I believe that the pomp and bling in South Asian weddings are indeed, too much pressure.  In fact, I have a revolutionary proposition for future desi wedding celebrations, which I will offer later on.

Before that, let me take a moment to explain myself.  I am not here to burst any bubbles for engaged couples, or parents of any eligible young professionals out there.  Congratulations, by the way!  I too, had high hopes as a South Asian American female who was brainwashed by both the East and West.

From the East, I grew up watching Malayalam and some Bollywood films with my family, and dreaming of a mustache-clad gentleman hero who could really dance with a lungee, and run around trees with me in exotic locations.  From the U.S., I expected additional extravagant romantic gestures with a coating of gender equity, and a culminating monologue from my future husband about how he wants to grow to use Medicare and Centrum Silver with me, while watching over our grandchildren in multiple vacation homes.

This may be the reality for some of you.   If so, I’m just going to keep it real and say, many of us are totally jealous of you, and some of us are bitter.   If this is not exactly your truth at the moment, don’t worry because I have come to realize that any ideal that includes the best (or worst) of Bollywood and Hollywood is not realistic for the vast majority of us.

Along those lines, our weddings can also be a bit much. It’s like buying a cell phone plan. You are oohed and ahhed by different providers with the fancy smartphones, the glitzy cases and the words, “no contract,” or “10G,”in their advertising.  Yet after signing a bunch of paper, you find out they are all the same, and there is always a catch and handcuffs.

At best, marriage is a challenging adventure, sprinkled with peaks and valleys that will hopefully nudge you down the path of growth, self-awareness and contentment.   For most of us, it is NOT a continuous dance party with glitter, gold, skinny people and yummy food, especially if you have children.

Not sure if desi weddings were always this big of a deal. I’m sure there were good reasons for this evolution back in the day in India.   Was it a last hurrah of sorts (especially for women)?  In which case, I’m totally okay with it. But in general, life and I dare say, our values are somewhat different now and even more so in the U.S.    And let’s not forget it costs a pretty penny to host a wedding here with the hundreds of guests that are usually a required part of our weddings.

So, to help address this disconnect between desi weddings and the actual realities of marriage, as I mentioned earlier, I have a suggestion for a new type of desi wedding day.

The first half of the day would include a simulation of what the most annoying days as a married couple would be like. The Matrix-like simulation would be based on a very sophisticated IIT graduate’s algorithm from survey responses extracted from the future bride and groom in their sleep. If both the bride and groom, and their parents, get through this simulation and still want to get married, they will have a modest ceremony in the afternoon that incorporates their preferences and celebrates their union.  Dancing will be optional.  Various upgrades to the ceremony would be available.  Some upgrade options include: both the bride and groom meeting at the altar on their own horses; and mandatory dancing by all guests or at the very least, swaying rhythmically to the music.

The funeral package is also an alternative option.  Essentially, the wedding is honored or mourned like a funeral.  That way, there is nowhere to go but up!  The whole rest of the marriage will be like eating cake every day without the side effects.

Some of you might be reading this and saying, wow, she is super-cynical about marriage.   And I would say, um maybe… But perhaps, I’m a super-hero trying to save what’s good about marriage from our own crazy expectations, and our own weddings? Or maybe I am just bitter that there was no horse as part of my special day?  Darn south Indian weddings…

 (Malini Sekhar is the co-founder of the children’s book series, ‘The Little Loka Series’.)