Blog: A funeral triggers sorrow but also, reflection and gratitude.Â
By Malini Sekhar
Even though developing new year’s resolutions that I won’t follow through on has an incredible appeal, this year, I thought I would try something different. And yes, I recognize it’s February already. But I like to give myself a three-month window for these types of things.
Last weekend, I attended something that triggered immense sorrow but also, almost an equal amount of reflection and gratitude. I think a little reflection and gratitude for where you are and who you are is a much better way to move forward in a new year.
A dear family friend, an “uncle,†I grew up with passed away. I went to the funeral representing my family and it really hit me hard, but in a good way. It was not only because he was an incredibly wonderful husband, father, pediatrician, “uncle,†and soul. It was because his passing reminded me of the community, the “village,†of aunties and uncles that helped raise me and many of us of my generation in the United States.
I’m a thirty-something who thinks I’m a late twenty-something. When my parents came from south India and brought us into the world in America, they didn’t have much in the way of family here. No parents to come and hold the baby so they might sleep a few hours. Or someone to make a week’s worth of meals so they could manage the awful diaper blow-outs and those overwhelmingly frustrating moments that every veteran parent warns you about, but you don’t “get†until you become one. Most of them didn’t have the resources to afford the nanny or babysitter we might enjoy today.
Instead, they relied on a small, but close-knit community of folks like them who were figuring it out away from home, doing the best they could. They would bring each other meals, share hand-me-downs, and kid equipment. They would exchange crash-courses and tricks on raising little brown chipmunks in largely homogenous places that didn’t look and feel like what they knew before.   They would have get-togethers and organize groups around the culture they left behind to build enduring friendships and feel less alone.
Those of us confused American-born desis (CABD doesn’t work as well as ABCD, I’ll admit) would play in the basements, eat, be parented and yes, be sometimes confused by uncles and aunties that we thought were really related to us. It was only later, after going to India and seeing some of our extended family come over, that we realized that we had another set of family related by blood.
As we got older and sought to settle the displaced roots and build our lives over here in the U.S., those parties, cultural programs, and sometimes, if we were lucky, sleepovers, started to fade into the background. Our struggles with thriving in a world with different values and perspective moved into the foreground. Our parents, along with the village that raised us who were happy to see us grow, but perplexed by our disinterest in marriage and explanation of our non-doctor/engineer career path (in my case), often became a source of frustration. But like most things, time helps us grow up in acceptance and understanding.
Today, I hear my 4-year old speak adoringly of seeing his Appu and Ammamma and Nana and Ammumma (= grandparents on both sides). I watch my own parents light up when they see their grandson and set free all their love. And I can’t help but feel lucky, contented but also a little jealous in wishing I had a chance to experience that kind of quality time with my own grandparents.
Yet attending this recent funeral made me realize something. It brought to the surface big tears for a beloved uncle in our community, but also tears of gratitude and joy. In the place of my own grandparents, I had a village of amazing people, unrelated by blood, of different religions, but who cared for and watched over us like their own. I recognize how much this has influenced who I am evolving into and how I view the world today.
Seeing our uncles and aunties a little grayer (perhaps), but still with that kind, protective but joyful look in their eyes, made me realize how truly lucky we were, we are. I can think of no better way to start a new year.
(Malini Sekhar is the co-founder of multicultural children’s book venture, the Little Loka Series, and Director of Communications at the HHS IDEA Lab. Views expressed are her own. )
More from Malini Sekhar:
Where’s the Beef? (October 13, 2015)
Let’s talk about elephants and race (October 13, 2014)
Don’t let life break your back and other musings (August 4, 2014)
A matrix-like simulation, bride and groom meeting at the altar on their own horses, mandatory dancing by the guests (June 24, 2014)
Going back to Kerala after a six-year hiatus, with a toddler in tow (April 10, 2014)