Self-love is okay.
By Malini Sekhar
WASHINGTON, DC: Being on your back offers great views of the beautiful, ever changing sky. And I think I hadn’t looked up enough recently…I mean this very literally.
After discovering I had a severely herniated disc a few weeks ago, that was thoughtlessly leaning on my sciatic nerve, that in turn was offering the sensation of being stabbed repeatedly down my right leg, I decided to undergo what they call a minimally invasive procedure on my back to make the pain go away. In case you were wondering, I have not actually been stabbed before. But I watch enough shows to know it probably hurts. On the flip side, less pain, woo-hoo!
Of course, the first thing most of my people wanted to understand was – WHY? I am a young, healthy thirty something woman. Why did this happen?
Well, I believe this was a clear dictate from the Universe to temporarily sideline myself, SLOW DOWN. It took me almost breaking my back (or maybe I did?), to understand the message – GIVE IT A REST! Take a breath.
Now, the point of me sharing this is most likely to gain a degree of sympathy, but also to share some small insights I gained from this experience. I am certainly unconventional in my views. Said views are perhaps worthy of institutionalization. I’ll let you decide.
More than a few well-wishers in the Indian community here, especially in the more experienced, “aunty,” genre, could simply not understand how I would have to be dealing with this at my age. There were calls from India. If they didn’t’ say it explicitly, and some did, I could hear the wheels spinning, – “I raised 2.5 children, came to this country with nothing, worked full-time, came home and cleaned and cooked all the meals fresh every day, and I’m only having health issues post-retirement, what’s your deal, lightweight?! STRESS. DRESS. Nonsense. Man up! ” Okay, no aunties whom I sincerely adore as a group, said the “Man up,” part, or any of it actually. However, I interpreted this from the intense perplexity and concern they shared with me repeatedly and aggressively. When you have that, real talk seems lame.
I am not going to play the compare game as a less-confused American-Born desi married with small child. It’s never useful to compare in general because most variables are different. But when I choose to, I am always the loser on that one. If comparing is our thing, most of our foremothers who built, from scratch, a life for themselves here in the U.S. from India, dealt with, and may still be dealing with WAY MORE not so fun stuff than us. They win, hands down. Let’s be honest.
But, through this backache, I realized how hard the Indian and Indian American woman, young, old and new, can be on themselves and others, including me to myself. And it’s a cycle that continues and really holds back the power of the sisterhood, and subtly perpetuates the idea that we deserve and/or it’s our destiny to struggle here and in India.
It’s not always obvious. I don’t think many of us in this day and age will say or even think, yes, she deserved to get run over by an auto-rickshaw because her meal was too salty. If you think that’s okay I totally judge you. Many of us would even be enraged. Yet, there is a subtle but vast difference between feeling an obligation/pressure to make the family meal and do everything because that is one’s role, and making a choice to cook for one’s self and one’s family because one truly wants to, and generally engaging in some sort of legit balance just makes sense. These are the types of reality-show dilemmas that made me explore the difference between being RA-RA pro-gender equity in self-title and theory, but also in practice.
After a small, existential crisis that included carbohydrates of some form and YouTube videos, I’m okay with the label of lightweight if it helps me be more kind to others and myself. As an Indian American woman-mother-partner-professional, I don’t believe that it is our sole responsibility to toil post-marriage, care for grandchildren and then die, as fun as that sounds. There has to be some sort of toy prize in the happy meal! I believe that my grandmothers in India thought and acted different in that time period in India so that I could also think and live differently today in the U.S. I know that I can’t aspire for my little one to be fulfilled and content unless I can live it for myself.
It’s OKAY to believe you are doing the best you can and complain to your friends. It’s OKAY to even decide to take some time out for oneself – take a break (GASP), enjoy the breeze, before the Universe forces you to. It’s OKAY to think different, and dare I say, think you are a ROCKSTAR, because you know what – you are. We all are. Yep, even my brothers who have read this far.
And that collective understanding is really what’s going to make the difference both here and in the motherland for the better. I think that’s what Gandhi-ji meant by that “change,” quote that is beautiful but used as much as hand sanitizer these days.
On my back, unable to really manage stuff in my life the way I’m used to, staring up at the sky, more present than ever, I’m figuring out some things.
In full disclosure, I should probably also tell you that I’m just getting off of being on Vicodin – a strong pain med. It’s very possible that I’m talking to myself right now. Am I?
(Malini Sekhar is the co-founder of the children’s book series, ‘The Little Loka Series’.)
2 Comments
Great insight, you were talking to me too. Often times I feel guilty for taking time for myself before I break down, but I think women are socialized like broadway performers to perform inspite of the broken leg, pneumonia, cold, dislocated shoulder, broken back…(you get the idea) to martyrdom if necessary. God forbid you get sick and need time to recuperate and REST, noooo the show has to go on! ……Actually no it doesn’t or it CAN go on without YOU!!! The show can be done another day or another way. It’s ok to order take out for a week, you can get a housekeeper or a nannny. The strong invincible woman is a myth, in fact those who think they are, are probably lonely and tired. Thanks for sharing.
Molay!! Not talking to yourself. Loved the post and while I’m not Indian America, your thoughts cross cultures. Nowadays it takes a broken foot, meniscal tear and a bad cold combined to force me to slow down and just be easy on myself. So hard to do in our society where if your not over-multi-tasking, you must be lazy. Thanks for the reminder to be kind to myself.