Ignore the ‘wedding’ and think about the ‘marriage’.
All soon-to-be wedded couples must read the Facebook post of Nazreen Fazal, a London School of Economics alumna who has taken the internet by storm with an autobiographical Facebook post that elaborates the episodes that preceded her arranged marriage.
Nazreen in a Facebook post talks about how she took the very important decision about her marriage that was arranged by her family. Nazreen says she introduced herself to the groom via a two-page profile of her that detailed about herself and her expectations from the future husband.
“When I was first introduced to my husband, I sent him a two-page profile of myself by email. On one page was ‘who I am’ and on the next was what I am looking for in a partner. In return he sent me three points about himself and asked me three straightforward questions,” says Nazreen in the Facebook post that has over 11,000 likes and over 3000 shares.
Nazreen recounts that she had exchanged over 80 emails to her husband in the first week of their acquaintance and says that not a single one was nonsensical in nature. “These were serious back and forth discussions about our priorities in life, where we see ourselves in a few years, our expectations of a partner etc,” says Nazreen.
In a closely netted Indian family where decision making on important subjects such as marriage is vested on collective interest of the family rather than the preferences the couple getting married, there is little scope for them to interact and know each other. Instances where the first meeting happens on the day of the wedding is also not unheard of in Indian context.
Fortunately for Nazreen, she used a medium that was comfortable for her to understand Fazal – her husband and he reciprocated with equal zest, thus the virtual platform served as their interlocutor.
Further down in her article Nazreen says unlike the Indian tradition of men asking important questions and the bride just shaking head in acceptance, she took the initiative and asked important questions that mattered when they started a life together.
Nazreen says, “I don’t have to say this, but obviously, I was the one asking most of the questions- ‘What do you think about women working? ‘What do you think abuse means?’ ( I actually asked that) ‘When do you want to have children (if at all)?’– I bombarded him with question after question and he patiently answered each one of them.”
Their interaction via emails continued for the next two months after which they decided to get married.
Nazreen’s post then questions the logic of in-laws and uncles deciding on behalf of the couple to ‘seal the deal’. After all, she asks, who can a man and a woman understand each other after meeting for just a few hours. She further questions the senseless system of marriage prevalent in Indian society that makes one feel like he/she is getting married to in-laws rather than to husband/wife.
Quoting a metaphor from Qur’an, Nazreen says God has made spouses as garments for each other and looking at the ridiculous marriage customs followed in Indian society, it feels like somebody else dictating which garment fits for you. Despite having a better choice, you are forced to wear the garment chosen by others and have to live with it forever knowing that it hurts from inside.
Nazreen says, “Take their input, yes, but don’t just blindly accept their preferences and make it your own.”
Nazreen further explains that there is no likelihood that two people always see eye to eye when it comes to tastes and outlook but for a successful married life where both partners get equal importance in decision making, it’s vital that they fall in the same line when it comes to Career/Finance/Children.
Before concluding her post, Nazreen advises all soon-to-be wedded to ignore the ‘wedding’ and think about the ‘marriage’.
Facebook post of Nazreen